First of all, think about how you feel in the heat of an argument. You may think that you must not care about the words that are coming out of your mouth for you to say such things in the first place. We want you to know that this is not true. In fact, we have a hunch that you do care a great deal about what comes out of your mouth. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be reading this article or finding yourself having regrets about what you said. Understanding the motivations beneath the words you say is the key to finding a better way to handle heated conversations.
What Lies Beneath All the Angry Words
Throughout our lives, we all create a set of beliefs about ourselves and others. Some of our beliefs can be very limiting. These undiscovered, limiting beliefs can cause us to feel angry and say things we regret later. Overcoming these limitations requires 3 things:
1. First, we need to become conscious of what these limiting beliefs are, and how they affect our perception of the world.
2. Next, we must learn to develop ways to notice when these less than desirable beliefs are being triggered.
3. Finally, we have to create deliberate intentions for how we want to respond in these situations instead of reacting through the filter of our limiting beliefs.
Without these three actions, we tend to react the same way over and over again without understanding why.
Speaking in anger is frequently an unconscious reaction based on the limiting beliefs that we hold. We tend to get angry for one of two reasons: either we believe something should (or should not) be happening in a situation, or because one of our limiting beliefs has been stimulated. Often both things are happening simultaneously.
How Can I Recognize a Limiting Belief?
When we get to the core of people's limiting beliefs, they often sound something like: "I don't matter and people are selfish," "I'm not good enough and people expect too much," "I can't take care of myself" and "people are dangerous." Sometimes, they are a combination of these or any number of similar statements. It seems we have all created one or more of our own unique variations on this theme.
We've never met anyone (including ourselves) who is completely free of limiting beliefs such as these. We're not suggesting they're "bad" things, or that we need to understand "why" they came into being, or even that we need to "fix" them.
The good news is that a belief is just something that you think over and over again. So all you really need to do is start thinking something different. The best way to do this is to become conscious about these limiting beliefs so you can stop being controlled by them and start to create the things that you want in your life.
Of course, there are many other reasons why we react the way we do--way too many to cover in this article. So for now, we want to give some specific advice about how to stop and think before speaking. Here are a few how-to's that we hope will help:
First, you need to get a better understanding about how we end up creating limiting beliefs. In our video, "How to Reclaim Your Authentic Happiness," we explain how the situations we encounter early in life are misinterpreted and used as the building blocks of our limiting beliefs. These thought patterns become habitual and are deeply ingrained in our subconscious. Even when we no longer remember the triggering event, we still react based on the beliefs that were created.
Second, it would also be very helpful if you got clear about what you value most. On our website, we offer a free values exercise that can help you to discover what's most important to you—what you need to be happy. After you've done this, when you start getting upset, you can ask yourself "Am I living in harmony with what I value?" If you're not, identify at least one action you can take that is in harmony with what you value.
Third, we suggest that you start identifying the specific thoughts you are thinking when you first start feeling upset -- before it turns to anger. Start noticing how your body feels at those times. Where do the sensations first start to happen? Describe the earliest sensations you can notice and get familiar with them.
Finally, we've found it can be very helpful if you learn to use those feelings as an alarm bell that signals you to focus your attention on your values and what you can do that will help to create the outcome you want in the situation. As we discuss in our article, "Are you angry? Good!" anger isn't always a bad thing. Anger is an important part of your emotional guidance system. Rather than suppressing it, use it to uncover the hidden values that may be missing in your situation.
In the heat of anger, do you ever open your mouth and say things that you later regret? Do you often feel confused about how you got so angry in the first place, and need to apologize for what you've said? If so... you're not alone. In this article we answer the questions: "Why do I get so angry?" and "How do I learn to stop and think before I speak?" Read on to discover three steps for living a happier and more regret-free life.
If you sometimes say things you regret and want more happiness and the keys to a satisfying life, learning to escape the bonds of limiting beliefs is a great first step.
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Is Anger Really Ever Necessary?
By Kathy Garber
The answer is yes.
Anger is a natural response to threats. It allows us to fight and defend ourselves when we are being attacked, however the problem with angry behavior is that most times we use anger when we “think” we are being attacked without really taking the time to evaluate if we need to feel angry or if we are simply experiencing another emotion such as fear and surprise.
If you are in a dangerous situation, anger could save your life. However, if you use anger to handle every situation that arises in your life; anger could ruin your life.
If you are in a dangerous situation, anger could save your life. However, if you use anger to handle every situation that arises in your life; anger could ruin your life.
Taking one brief second to ask yourself, “Am I in danger or am I experiencing another emotion?” could be the difference in acting out in rage or keeping your behavior under your own control.
Anger can also produce powerful changes that can benefit everyone in our society. Look at the prominent people in our history who felt passionately about an issue and provoked many changes that have changed the world and our lives today. Anger makes people speak out against injustices and moves groups of people to work together for a common good. Anger can make change happen IF it is used appropriately and without aggression and violence.
How could anger be used positively in your life? Are you in a dead end job or in a bad situation in your life and every day you make yourself miserable and angry just because you allow yourself to be there? Take that anger and make a move. Let the anger propel you out of a miserable situation into a positive place.
If you can’t go it alone, visit AngerManagementOnline.com and join a supportive learning environment and meet others like yourself looking for a better way to express their anger.
...........Anger can also produce powerful changes that can benefit everyone in our society. Look at the prominent people in our history who felt passionately about an issue and provoked many changes that have changed the world and our lives today. Anger makes people speak out against injustices and moves groups of people to work together for a common good. Anger can make change happen IF it is used appropriately and without aggression and violence.
How could anger be used positively in your life? Are you in a dead end job or in a bad situation in your life and every day you make yourself miserable and angry just because you allow yourself to be there? Take that anger and make a move. Let the anger propel you out of a miserable situation into a positive place.
If you can’t go it alone, visit AngerManagementOnline.com and join a supportive learning environment and meet others like yourself looking for a better way to express their anger.
What happens to your body when you feel angry?
By Kathy Garber
When you experience anger your body goes into a fight or flight response. Chemicals are released into your bloodstream to prime you up for the fight or help you flee the situation. These powerful chemicals cause your body to undergo extreme changes.
- Breathing begins to increases and blood is detoured away from the internal organs you don’t use in a fight and shunts it to your muscles for strength.
- Your pupils dilate causing your vision to sharpen and your awareness intensifies.
- Your rational mind is disengaged and your thoughts become distorted.
- You are now in your anger attack mode and ready to fight.
- The fight or flight reaction gears you up for battle, however most times there really is no battle to fight.
When you face real dangers in the world, this fight or flight response is invaluable to your survival, but when you are in a constant state of fight or flight day after day your health can begin to suffer. The powerful chemicals accumulate and make your body pay a price for being in a constant high energy state.
- People with chronic anger are more likely to have suppressed immune systems.
- Chronic anger can cause gastrointestinal problems such as irritable bowel syndrome and ulcers.
- Chronic anger can lead to heart attacks and strokes.
- Chronic anger affects your blood pressure.
If you decide that you are tired of being in a high energy state without a cause, join AngerManagementOnline.com and learn new ways to calm yourself before your health begins to suffer.
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Relaxation
By Kathy Garber
There are a variety of ways to relax when you feel stressed or when you feel like you are about to explode in anger. In order to find out the best technique that is right for you, you will need to practice each one to determine which works best for you.
One of the easiest techniques to calm yourself is through deep breathing. If it sounds too good to be true, don’t be a skeptic until you try it. Deep breathing is convenient because you can practice it anywhere and anytime you feel anger creeping up and no one will know you are practicing a relaxation technique.
Deep Breathing
Practice by taking in three slow steady breaths in a row. Slowly draw the air into your lungs and slowly release it. Practicing this technique will help you perfect it.
Muscle Relaxation
Find a quiet place where you can lie down without interruption. Start at the top of your head and focus on relaxing every muscle from your head to your toes one at a time.
The challenge is keeping them relaxed. If you feel a muscle begin to tense up, go back and re relax it. Clear all thoughts out of your mind and concentrate only on your muscles and relaxing them. Once you have made it from your head to your toes, try to stay relaxed for 20 minutes.
Imagery
Think of a calm happy place and try to take your mind there. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in that peaceful calm place that makes you happy and try to see, feel, smell, taste and touch it.
Maybe one of these techniques could work for you or maybe you will need to use all three. Anger Management requires that you become active in your own Anger Management plan.
You devise the plan that is right for your life and then you must be active in it and practice it on a daily basis. AngerManagementOnline.com can help motivate you to find the right techniques and keep you motivated in your practice.
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